anhadhima might signify boundless himalayas, but the essence of her has always been the ocean. the vastness, chaos and stillness, endless highs and the depths of many bottoms, the horizon where the sky and the sea are mere reflections of each other in a different shade. A breakthrough, the end of many cycles, the beginning of limitless possibilities.

A coastal town in Karnataka that has always been the anchor of mystical transitions, through the years. Holding space for conversations with the spirit, of self, of nature. A mirror, a lesson, an embrace. my first taste of ‘wandering’ solo, my last taste of overcoming the deepest fears, testing capabilities and realizations re-realizing themselves without the presence of thought.

As I moved closer to the transition, the thought of facing my biggest fear overpowered me. Dark and depth combined. Sitting at the top of a rock, silently biding goodbye to the second last sunset of a significant year, fearless, a blank sheet of paper, wondering what it would feel like to overcome that fear which has lived with me a lifetime. “remember light when going through darkness.” The lesson, the mantra, from my first experience of the sea at night, which I shall carry within me all along. With every stroke, the phytoplanktons illuminated my way into the ocean. Movement producing this green stream of energy. Controlled by you but enchanting you, making you flow with its flow, a blur bulb of soft light when seen underwater. Floating between countless stars above in the deep dark sky and stars of the sea beneath. I turned back to swim again after reaching back to the shore, another time, to believe it was real. A step further into facing my nightmares, I kept going till there was no ground under my feet to make me feel safe. The comfort of bioluminescence had to get out of the picture now, for me to see what I dreaded, with eyes wide open. I stopped creating the magic with my hands and welcomed the stillness in black, took a breath and dived my head inside, to see. To see the endless void I was floating in. That sound, the sound of the ocean, a vacuum. Unforgettable. Surreal and empty, intense and nothing. Walked out and back to the café my tent was pitched at, with shivering legs and a sense of liberation I can not possibly pen down. Typed out a note with shaking hands, trying my best to recollect every word, every feeling I felt during that mystical, dreamy experience. What does it feel like to face your greatest fear and come out alive on the other side? Do it, do it and find out, do it and remember the light which is ever present.

Next afternoon, as I was experiencing my usual Pisces self, being and being in the salty waters, I witnessed the light in another form. What I call the blinding light.

A hypnotic state of flow embodied in consciousness, feeling the light seeing the colors, the ocean taking me higher and farther. Inward and onward. Left with no control, no weight, no thought, no sight but only vision. I danced with the waves as they pleased, feeling every sense of my being as real turned into truth, knowing the shift in movement and light, nothing else. A blazing red seen with eyes closed, as the sun reveals its fire to you. Dipped in and out of water, to see with eyes open and closed. Witnessing the ethereal pink on her sunlit surface. After I can’t be certain how long, the profoundness of being nothing presented itself in a death like momentary experience. At this point, all movement, moment, feeling, knowing, seeing, hearing, ceased. My body floating upside down into and onto the ocean surface, going away with each passing wave, going, flowing in one directional nothingness. In the moment of feeling ‘I could leave my body right now, my soul is floating away’, filling me with a heightened sense of liberation, not fear. nothing more or less. Not anything else. The greyness of that vision, the place between everything and nothing, the sound of stillness in the silent howls of the sea.

What might it feel like to summit the highest mountain in the world? I have wondered time and again. To me, it felt like swimming from one beach to the other, covering the longest distance I ever have in the sea. A quest I failed at my first intentional attempt. The one I had been pursuing in my mind for a long time, slowly, quietly, but never with complete certainty. A year ago at the same beach, I swam my longest distance in the sea, aiming at a rock, not reaching it but coming back with a lesson. As the currents turned stronger around the rocks, I couldn’t move any further or back in control. Nothing to hold on to, I left my self loosely to swing by the rock beds and reach the shore, a patch on the other end from where I had begun. If I wasn’t for luck and precision of spontaneous decision making, it wouldn’t have been impossible for me to get hit by those underwater mountains and get meticulously harmed.

First attempt this time did break my previous record, but not enough to take me in the direction of that beach I had my eyes and water wings set on. Half way through, right before taking a directional turn on its way, I reached the middle point of powerful currents and waves inhibiting me from moving at all. From my past learnings, I decided to humbly swim back and out.

An hour passed, as I waited for different ferries to sail me through to that beach. Paradise, as its called, truly justifies the name. Two years ago, I lived here for a night in the tent I pitched right upfront the sea. Swam in its white sand crystal waters to never forget the glorious sight. A zero-network island patch, away from the rest of the town, its beaches and crowds. The end of Gokarna’s famous beach trek. I was in the in-between again, of not giving up and pushing, of impossible and knowing its possibilities, wanting to attempt again and taking the ferry just to swim and trek back to base. My friend by now had reached paradise, taking the trail and my portable speaker. Over thinking didn’t help me move, uncertainty didn’t stop time from passing.

I started swimming. Still hoping for ferries to pass by and take me and yet not wanting to stop swimming. I didn’t want to reach paradise by land. As the sun glared over me, illuminating the sea, diamonds scattered all over its surface, I thought to myself; isn’t this what i always imagined doing? If given a chance, to swim endlessly into the vastness of the ocean. Seeing nothing but her, talking to no one but its waves, feeling boundless. There was no one and nothing stopping me right now, I should just keep swimming. With no life saving jackets, no life saving coaches, no practical training or experience for covering such a distance in the loose ocean waters. On the way, I switched my strokes, stayed still, bringing in the consciousness of taking it all in and not solely chasing my destination. Looked back once to see how far I had come but the waves shifted me towards the rocks for a moment and I looked ahead again. Understanding how looking back could be a measurement of validating your journey and success but doing that for too long could deviate your from the path. the point arrived which had turned me back the last time. The deviation middle. There was no going back. I saw boats passing by, tourists looking at me in wonder, this solitary mermaid or mad man looking insignificant in the blue canvas, fighting and flowing with the waves. The water beneath got darker, indicating its depth to me and yet not intimidating my spirit. The two things that got me through this point and in the right direction were being a part of it and using my mind with calm intelligence. On the night I entered her for the second time, I bowed down to her, entered her like one would a temple, touching its holy water and gracing my forehead and heart with it. Arrogance and ego do not stand a chance with nature. You have to honor the living world of its greatness, its beauty, its strength and power. Only then can you be touched by its love, healing energy, profoundness and tenderness, receive its blessings and let it show you what can not be seen otherwise. I remembered this and started syncing with the rhythms of its waves, not going against it in rage but knowing I had to cut through. My strokes turned sharper, my mind entered a state between fear and belief, all I could see was the beach on the other end. Which wasn’t very far away by now and yet it felt like lifetimes of being taken by and through water, in and out of control. It became easier when I kept my sight pointed to the sandy patch afar, because purpose drives you more than mindset alone ever could. With the left stroke i saw a chain of glooming light green lushly covered mountains, with the right I saw a cave like large magnificent body of the mountain, which could stir your soul just by standing tall.

As I was entranced by these experiences in the middle of the ocean, mindless, thoughtless, determined, knowing and trying, something touched my right hand, passed through and made me feel its presence. A fish possibly. Which i could not spot or catch a glimpse of, for I was too engrossed in this meditative practice of water playfulness. The stung, itched and burned the spots of my fingers it had embraced. In that instant, knowing I was possibly surrounded by other water organisms, i felt both an outsider and naturally just a part of this world as much. A sense of unusual joy, excitement and mild amounts of fear surfaced. A little further, I saw two-three bottles floating over the surface, tied to a thread like structure, attached and placed cautiously. For the first time on this journey, i felt the fear deep into my gut. I felt what a fish might when it sees a trap. This might be placed to mark a territory but i had no wishes of getting entangled, trapped or hurt. Or fail after having travelled so far. My immediate act of self defense was to leave all weight and float above that patch like a crocodile would. Avoiding contact completely. A small incident evoked many unfamiliar emotions of the wild. The last leg of this sail before stepping on paradise was filled with gratitude, strength, a sense of victory and glory, immense power of belief and lessons about going in, going on, through and through, using every possible sense and above everything, the wild heart. The impossible looking mad dream.

Leaving this mystic land behind, with newly formed intentions, embodied realizations, profound encounters and lessons, I experienced forest enchantment like never before. All this time spent in the majestic Himalayan mountain jungles, but never did I feel truly enchanted in my physical reality. As I entered the trek, a soulful instrumental track auto played on my phone, which I decided to keep back in my pockets to stop taking images and just look at those trees one last time, before taking the bus back home. The earthy green, making its existence evident, its presence acknowledged, its magic obvious. I lost my way, lost the trail, unable to stop walking, unable to stop looking in unbearable wonder and blissful trance. After walking directionless for a while, in the curiosity of receiving another lesson from this holy natural world of wisdom, I arrived at a beautiful spot from which the entire coastline could be seen through the trees. Above all else. A secluded trail at the end of that mountain, where I stood for a moment almost laughing hysterically (internally) at the obvious results of surrendering to nature. Eventually found a way out through the newly found trail to be back to the beach. All lost, all well. All found and profound. I was still enchanted, entranced by the jungle spirit. I could not see people, could not take my eyes away from the enlightening sun caressing the ocean surface, as I walked through the entire beach, walking, overlooking the crowd, staring at the sea. For brief moments I continued walking with my eyes closed. Feeling the presence of this world and yet not feeling a part of it at all. A part of its maya and away from it at the same time. Not walking in the dhun this time but walking because i was being the dhun, feeling the dhun, sensing and knowing the dhun which is ever present and found in the wild world, if you see. if you take a long look. If you see to feel, feel to see.

Endless waves of maya

weightlessness and consciousness

The Lab